Bad news

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

So some of you may have gleaned from my other post that I was going to get my cancer review scan and bloods and might have wondered why I didn't write about it here.


The answer is because I only had half the answers. My CT scan was brilliantly clear with no sign of disease. However on my check in January the blood tests which show tumour markers were high and this was a concern. This time the blood results weren't back. So since coming back everyone has been saying how relieved I must feel which I did but not in the way I'd hoped. You can't say that of course but I've just had this unsettled feeling which has grown and grown. To cut a long story short,after ringing every number I had for the hospital and getting no response today I found out that the bloods are back and worryingly even higher than in January.

 These bloods can be raised in several of my other conditions but from what I can gather, they went down at the end of my chemo, but have risen again, and now, again which leads us to believe there may be cancer somewhere we just haven't found it yet.

I have been booked in for an emergency PET Scan (another way of diagnosing cancer) repeat bloods, and an early clinic appointment to discuss results and what we do next. I found this out an hour ago. 

It sounds arrogant but I almost feel vindicated. I couldn't understand why I didn't feel more relief and this is why. I don't know if it's a false alarm but it just didn't feel tied up neatly. I feel so manic I could run and run but I know inevitably I'm going to burn out completely very soon. I feel numb but have flashes of fear and sadness. I've been so stressed this week, and frightened and sad and angry. 
I have so many plans and my birthday coming up and once again the shadow of illness hovers over everything. 

The CT should be done this week, ironically I was going away to stay with a friend this weekend but I doubt it will happen now. When I know something I will let you know x

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2 comments

  1. Thinking of you. Lots of love.

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  2. I have been following you since some time before the transplant. This is so hard. Life is just not fair. But still, we all cling to it-!

    Hoping for you, thinking of you, worrying with you, checking your twitter and fb posts again and again. Please, highest entity, let this be a false alarm, or if it can't be avoided, let it be the teeniest tiniest health trouble that there could be. We want to see new pictures of Tor going to musicals, to the O2, and to so much more.

    - Carola

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