Sunday, April 26, 2020
I’m going to be honest, at the moment Cancer is kicking my arse. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I need to try and stay mobile, to eat and to sleep but I’m carrying who knows how many extra kilos in fluid. The same tumour and fluid is crushing my lungs and it’s a weird throw back to breathlessness, gasping and anxiety attacks of pre transplant days. But with good lungs.
Eating is difficult drinking bloody impossible as extras just add to the extra weight/heaviness on my chest.
A lot of people say ‘get the fluid drained like I did before’. 1) this wasn’t a nice experience 2) it lasted around 24/48 hours and was back again 3) it’s entering and moving round a hospital with known Covid cases 4) the only way the fluid will come off and maybe stay off a bit more is with chemo added in. So in light of that I don’t want to get drained more than I absolutely have to and am not able to have a semi permanent one which is a bugger.
That means I’m at home struggling a lot day to day. Pain has been horrendous as I believe fluid and tumour are pressing on nerves so making them hurt like hell. Thankfully the hospice were great at controlling this for me and it’s still there but vastly improved. Breathing is helped a little by pain relief and trying to stay active but can’t tell you how upsetting this is. I fought the lung battle and to feel this monster ruining my hard work is soul destroying.
I’m not particularly impressed with Marsdens reaction. I’ve heard nothing since they gave me information of my treatment plan (alone and in hospital) over a week ago. I know they are extraordinarily busy but the check in or indeed some dates of when things will happen would have been a big comfort.
I’m back to needing help dressing, bathing, etc. I look like someone else so avoid mirrors majority of the time. I was actually mistaken as being pregnant the other week. If only!
I’m not giving up, but unfortunately I have to wait until certain factors come together for me to fight. It will get harder before it eases which is a great thought but it’s not just doing the right thing but doing it at the right time.
I regularly crumble into a mass of sobbing blubber then realise I can’t cry and breathe so have to have a mini break before I start again. I never give myself credit but I am amazed by how I’m managing to get through each day at present.
So yes, cancer has got me completely on my arse right now. But it won’t be for long.
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