I just wanna live while im alive....

The title of this post for the music fans among you is from "its my life" by Bon Jovi. I've become addicted to bon jovi's hits at the moment! It sums up how I'm feeling quite well, although for the record my other 2 favourites "always" and "someday ill be saturday night".

First of all weekly weigh in, it was a rubbish day to go into town to get weighed as it was chock a block with annoyingly slow children, as its half term week. The weigh in was.....disappointing if I'm honest , despite only being a few calories out on last weeks total I had only gained 0.1kg (peanuts really). Im not totally down in the dumps tho, its still moving in the right direction and I have learnt by now that the whole weigh gain issue is in no way an exact science. But its still annoying when you work so hard all week and all you want is to see the weight going up. Hopefully next week will be more rewarding.

On the good news front I handed in the first essay of my new course. I know I said that the new course would be quite easy (ha ha) but I may or may not have struggled a bit with the first essay....possibly had a bit of a strop saying that I wished I hadn't taken on said course....and generally been pretty annoyed with the whole blessed business. However, I got my mark back yesterday and got a B! My tutor told me that out of the 20 or so he had already marked mine was by far the best :) So I was pretty pleased with myself.

I have been feeling a bit rubbish lung wise this week. Im not ill or anything but my chest has been feeling quite tight on and off which is to do with my hormones at the moment. I've also been feeling quite tired and lethargic.

It is a stark reminder of my state of health right now. I am at a stage where my body is very fragile and it is a scary thought. The fact is, its expected that I will have dips like this and also that I can expect to feel more tired, achey, rundown etc as time goes on. Its nearly 16 months from when I was placed on the transplant list and that is also a scary thought. I've waited 16 long months and after all this time I have had ONE call. It leads me to start thinking seriously about the fact that times are desperate and I do need that call to come soon.

This time of year is especially hard when I see everyone making plans for Christams, Halloween and Firework night. I look on, but cant join in because of the risks of catching bugs added to the fact that I'm too tired to get involved much of the time and my health changes on a daily basis. It's also natural for thoughts to turn to the fact that if the call doesn't come I might not be here to celebrate next year.

This has turned into a pretty depressing post, but I want to assure you all that I am ok. Its just nice to be able to get these thoughts out without having to actually say them and to get them out of my head. I only wish that there was something I could do to help myself and the hundreds of others waiting out there...


  1. Hey

    I know we don't know each other very well but I'd really like to get to know you a whole lot more because I am feeling the exact same way as you are about up and coming celebrations this winter. If you have an MSN address could you email it to breath_taking@btinternet.com? Or if you'd prefer not to we can just stay email buddies :-)
    Lots of love,
    Rach x

  2. hey tor

    I bit confused you go into town to weigh yourself?! Thought it was scales at home, please text me to explain!

    also when i have been ill in past or on ivs at xmas time, you dont always need to go out, i know you must be bored of being in, but if you have a fire (or a computer screensaver with a fire!), dvd, tv boxset, some goodies, maybe some mulled wine, games - (you got a ps2? get the game buzz - hours of fun!), board games, books, friends, family over, magazines etc. make it a good time and have fun dont think i cant go out and have fun, bring the fun to you!

    i hope you are felling ok.

    well done on your B! thats a great grade!!

    text me whenever!!!

    lots of love xxxxxxxx

  3. Hey Tor,
    I'm sorry to hear that you're not having too great a time atm. You're doing so well with putting on the weight. Ok so you didn't put on as much this week as you wanted to, but you didn't lose weight which is the important thing. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you all the time. The call will come Tor, I promise. They will ring when you least expect it. You deserve it so much. You're an amazing, inspirational person. All the best to you. You know where I am when you need me.
    Lots of love, Netts x x

  4. Woweee!! a 'B' that's brilliant hunni.

    Sending a massive (((HUG))) cos I really feel for you not being able to join in with it all this year. You'll make up for it by doing it very BIG next year I'm sure.

    Loadsa love, always.

  5. Hello,

    congrats on the B - very well done :) Jen


  6. I've been reading your blog since you posted the link on "The Wright Stuff" Facebook Page. I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you get your transplant very soon.

    All good wishes
    Angela x

  7. hey gorgeous, just to say...

    Well done on your B...YAY!!

    That call will come sweetness, dont be disheartened :)

    0.1kg is better than nought, so pat on the back for you!

    Halloween and fireworks are overated anyway (they really are-promise!)

    Thinking of you.

    sorry I've been a bit rubbish of late, Im thinking TGIs next week or maybe a movie marathon with pizza and other deliousness to make you fatty!!

    ....And love you lots :) xxxxxx