The big Three Ohh

Again, I'm sorry for the delay in blogging. I've had so much in my head lately plus been quite busy in both good and bad ways so it's not that I haven't thought about you all, its just not been the right time.

In fairness I'm kinda winging it now! So I think I'll par back a lot of things that were going to be their own blog posts (and still might be) but just to give you an idea of what's been going on. Thanks for the love on my last vlog style post, to be honest I was hugely surprised it actually worked! Technical I'm not.

 As I said then, I celebrated my 30th birthday in May which was both absolutely amazing and wildly terrifying/confusing/mind shredding. For everyone I guess, 30 is a defining kind of age but the fact hat I have lived all my life knowing that the life expectancy for me growing up was 30, it was particularly poignant. Anyway to cut a long story short, it's made me think a lot and brought up some tough stuff. 

I miss my friends, and there are many, who didn't make it this far. I feel guilty that I'm growing older while they never will. I (hopefully) will soon be older than the beautiful soul who donated me their lungs and gave me these extra years. 

I never expected to get to this age, now I'm here it's amazing to think of everyone who helped me get here over the last 30 years and the improvements in care and medications since I was born. It also makes me rather proud of all the times I fell but managed to get back up again. However, there's another side to the fact that you're still alive when technically you shouldn't be. I haven't achieved much of what I would've liked by 30. There's the typical things like a steady relationship, friendship groups, engagement, marriage, own property, children, to be established in your chosen career; I have elements of these but much of it I don't. I flit as many women my age do I guess, between not caring and caring so much I want to cry. It depends how the day catches me. 

Seeing wedding pictures or the latest pregnancy announcement can really hurt me somedays even though I'm often really happy for those involved.

I still am battling a lot of health issues that seem to pull my attention when I least want to give it but often make themselves too difficult to ignore. Every time I think I'd like to maybe think about finding someone special or move forward with getting acting work, without fail something will come in and derail it all. It's really quite trying especially when my confidence is already knocked by my health and how it has effected me, as a person and physically. My hair is different now thanks to strong drugs, I can never fully 'rely' that my body isn't building up to something awful without me knowing, I have scars, I've put on weight thanks to steroids, I'm covered in bruises. It's also difficult to let people in when you don't want to burden them with your own health issues. My life expectancy is still reduced, I am unlikely to ever have kids. I still struggle with these facts so why anyone would choose to get involved with that is beyond me quite frankly.

There are obviously really positive things too. I have survived and endured more than I ever believed I could. Apparently I inspire people to sign the donor register which is a huge achievement in my eyes. There is always something to be grateful for each day and I do find them even if I don't shout it from the rooftops. I am determined and like many people with chronic illness, realise the important things in life, and chase them. I have met so many incredible people on my journey and had some fantastic experiences as well as some truly terrible ones. 

So to sum it up 30 has been a weird one for me and it's been a bit of stumbling around to try and get my bearings. I'm not sure I even know quite what I'm doing now but I'm just trying to focus on the good, not be too sad about the things I wish I had and to pursue the things I can, as and when I can. Clearly it's not as simple as that but I can only try! There's also been quite a lot of health stuff going on which I will elaborate on in my next post.

Second part of this blog will go up tomorrow so that we've sort of caught up with each other! 

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