PIt's been a bit of a rough week. Mentally and emotionally it has been an expletively awful week if I'm being honest with you. It's that time of year which I find quite difficult, the weeks leading up to my transplant are always fairly tough; remembering life as it was, how bad things became, the things I've achieved and more prominintly, the things I haven't. I also think a lot about my donor and their family which is a whole mixture of emotions. I've still not been sleeping well either and that is really taking a toll on how I feel and cope.
For whatever reason, it's been a real struggle this week. I think I hate mentally struggling more than physical suffering because it is just so hard (and often impossible) to pin point why you feel like that, and it drags you down to the most horrible places imaginable. You also lose all reason and motivation to do things that could help. I've felt like I'm being beaten down by invisible people in my mind that just want to keep me down. It's like a war being raged around me and I just want to crawl out of my body and wait until I'm strong enough to return.
Despite it being pretty bloody soul sapping; there have been positives. You cannot imagine how hard they have been to find but they are there and in the times I've been able to, ive tried to focus on them.
One major triumph is that the steroid increase has definitely helped the fatigue. Things still aren't perfect and I think I will always tire quicker than most but it's an improvement. Sadly the pain has been quite bad which has taken the shine off slightly but that's just one of those things. I think that's what's hardest, with the fatigue improving i still have to fight off the heap of other things that come from taking the steroids, it never seems to end! I always seem to be trying to get to the bottom of something and that can be very trying mentally.
One thing that made me smile was being able to get out this week. I met a friend I haven't seen for a while for lunch on Thursday and what made it even nicer was to have the surprise of finding this in Covent Garden.....
