Fear vs love

I'm sorry for the lack of blogging recently. It's not that I haven't wanted to, or that I've not had something in mind to blog about but the fact that I wasn't sure if I should. 

I'm not sure if I should make any comment, I'm not qualified to in any way, shape or form, but this is my blog for my opinions and thoughts.

Nearly two weeks ago, I watched in disbelief and horror as Paris suffered horrendous terror attacks. It was harrowing, frightening and my heart along with millions of others went out to all those in Paris, in France, their friends and relatives watching the terrible news unfolding. As I watched I thought about my trip to Paris at the very end of last year. It was my first and although I didn't really know what to expect, the people were extremely welcoming and the city was absolutely beautiful. 
I also remembered watching the attacks on the twin towers when I was very young, and not so long ago the 7/7 bombings which shook my beautiful London who I love so much.

The fallout from these attacks is huge. Not just in the places they happen but by how it can bring out the hate in humanity. Posts about Muslims that were disgusting to read splashed over social media. Racist news headlines. The fact that similar attacks were made in Nigeria with extremely low media coverage. People attacking asylum seekers, wanting to close our borders and too many examples to share here. 

These attacks are made by terrorists. The clue is in the name. They inspire terror. The people making these wild attacks on each other are motivated by fear of terrorism hitting them. That is playing directly into what these killers want. They want us to be afraid, they want us to turn on each other, they want to isolate and ostracise sections of the community. 

When people feel excluded, they are desperate. And that's when things can become dangerous, terror organisations bank on people turning to them to feel they belong.

I have no idea what the answers are. All I know is we need to counter hate with love. In every religion there are extremists, extreme not majority. Everywhere in the world there are people who twist certain things to suit their own ends. As terrible as these terror attacks were, when things seemed at there worst the world did reach out with love. Twitter created a hashtag to help Parisians find shelter, social media was overwhelmed by messages about France and displaying their flag, there was an appeal for blood donors to help the casualties and so many people showed up that they had to turn some away. Human beings are essentially good people. 

I've read a couple of books lately both set during the Second World War, The Book Theif and All the light we cannot see. They were both incredible and I highly recommend them. Particularly in All the Light, I really got a sense of the barbarity and mindlessness of the Nazi's. I couldn't believe that one persons warped beliefs and ideas had been able to grow and feed and be marketed to its nations people in such a way that many agreed with these same ideas or were to afraid to disagree. It's all to easy to see how something like this could happen again. 

Be kind to each other, help people out, remember what others have done for you and do not give in to fear. If these people want hatred and fear to reign then we have to do the opposite. Look around at what an incredible world we live in and the amazing people in it. Xxx


Autumn Days!

This was a post I wrote a while ago but am only just about to post but I had to add a little addendum to say a huge thank you to the people who tweeted and commented on my last blog. You don't know how much it meant. I'm still struggling but am taking action to hopefully get myself in a better place. Depression is always going to be something that rears its ugly head but finding ways to cope when it does is my main goal. Thank you for the love xxxx

So I may have a slight addiction to instagram, vloggers on YouTube and blog reading right now. Recently I've noticed that what I thought was something kinda unique to me is in fact fairly widespread; people are loving Autumn and Winter.

I love Autumn. I always have loved it actually since I was little. If I had to put the seasons in order of preference, controversially I'd say; Autumn, Spring, Winter, Summer. I know people love the Summer and sun but when you have Chronic breathing problems you don't necessarily enjoy the Summer so much. Some of my CF friends adore the Summer, hot weather, humidity as they find they feel better, breathe easier, don't have the worry of colds and viruses to make them sick. But for me personally, I used to and still do to an extent, find the hot weather extremely draining. Heat made breathing incredibly hard and humidity practically killed me. When I was waiting for transplant, the hot weather often saw me stuck inside, a fan trained on me in a vain attempt to get some cool air to breathe in, blinds shut, gasping for breath, hot sweaty and miserable. It made it so unbelievably difficult and exhausting to draw in breath that thinking back I don't know how the hell I did it second after second day after day. Summer became something to dread. 
Autumn was a saviour. You still had some of the beautiful sunshine that uplifts your mood but it wasn't so oppressive and demanding, it was Summers gentler, calmer cousin. I could enjoy it a lot more without being in agony trying to catch my breath. Now the Summer doesn't bother me a 1/10 as much as it used to but I do still struggle when it's very hot or humid. 
Autumn is so beautiful so here are some of the reasons I love it.


Like I've just explained, the weaker but just as wonderful sunshine and heat suit me down to the ground. There's a nice breeze but still gorgeously sunny. Autumn sunshine dappled through the trees is just perfect.


Beautiful pale sunshine combined with absolutely gorgeous colours of Autumn leaves makes my heart happy. You look around and see so many amazing shades. It should be a bit sad to see things dying off but what a way to go! Glorious reds, burnt oranges, bright yellows, coppers, golds, greens. Just divine.


There is a big conker tree down our road that I used to pass on my way to school as a kid. I love conkers. I always used to collect them, I love their gorgeous deep coppery brown shades, the shine, the green prickly cases (the dream was to find one still in its case so you could prise it out all shiny and new). I'll be honest, only thing I don't like is their smell. Even now when I walk past the tree the compulsion to be a small child and pick one up always wins. When I was small, there was a street nearby that was lined with conker trees on both sides, my parents used to take me there and I would come home with a huge conker haul, clearly I was easily pleased ��

Dark nights and twinkle lights

The darker nights means more time in bed, win. It also means that there are more fairy lights round the city, restaurants etc. Again, cheers my day up to see them around! And candles, candlelight is so pretty and calming.

Halloween, Bonfire Night and Christmas

Onthe sometimes dark days of Autumn, we have all these holidays. Oddly, never celebrated Halloween as a kid and don't really celebrate bonfire night very often but I always liked sitting and watching the sky light up with fireworks. Once while I was ill waiting for transplant my sister and her then fiancée tried to cheer me up by inviting me over for food and fireworks. We ended up nearly exploding the house when a firework got a bit close and I was on portable oxygen at the time so I could well have been blown to Kingdom come. One of those days you'll always remember for the wrong reasons but it was extremely funny in a 'oh my god nearly killed ourselves' kind of way. I am a big fan of Christmas. When everyone else loudly moans about it being October and there are already Christmas decorations in the shops I'm secretly grinning and bouncing around in excitement. 
Probably the thing I missed most about not being able to do things pre transplant was Christmas. I couldn't really decorate the tree and when I did I felt so god awful ill it kind of killed it, wrapping presents, cooking etc where all too high energy. Now I get involved with everything and often plan too much in my keeness never to miss out again. There will be many more Christmassy blog posts just warning you. All the best celebrations are in Autumn! 

Tea, blankets, baths 

Ask anyone I know and they will tell you I'm a tea addict, I drink it all the time. I discovered I get pretty grumpy if I don't get my fix too. I also love a cute mug, to the point where I've been banned from buying any more because we have too many (lies, you can't have too many). Anyway, going to restaurant and ordering tea at most other time of year is often met with a questioning look, but in autumn its normal! Yay! The shops have the softest blankets to curl up with and watch tv (while drinking tea from a pretty mug). I'm a home bird and its a good excuse to be all cosy with none of the judging. In Autumn and winter I also go back to having more baths which I forget are amazing till I have one and remember again. If you're having a bath there really should be some Lush involved in there somewhere too. These are things I enjoy way to much but Autumn gives me the opportunity not to look quite so much of a reclusive tea drinking hermit because everyone else is doing it too. 

Scarves and gloves.

The scarf is the second item I've been banned from buying because I may, *may* have two boxes of scarves which I'm told is enough for anyone. I still lust over them though. But gutted as I seem to having really rather hideous hot sweats at the moment which means that. While everyone else walks round in jumpers, coats etc I'm swanning around in a short sleeve tshirt sweating like a pig. But I'm hoping I will get the chance to add some scarves to my outfits soon. I love them, gorgeous patterns, over a plain coat. My hands are always cold so gloves are a must. Neither scarves nor gloves, nor jumpers come to that should be in any way itchy. That just ruins the whole thing. Soft, cosy, pretty. 

Anyway that's probably bored you to tears but these are some of the reason we are entering my most favouritist time of the year! 



Some days I feel as though there's a dark shadow, lingering in my peripheral vision. This shadow of dark thoughts and feelings. I try to ignore it but I know it's there and I hope it doesn't get darker or bigger. I have to try and go about my day without looking at it directly, trying to ignore it, while all the time feeling that sinking in my stomach everytime I do think of it.

Some days it's like black smoke, like a curse in a storybook. Everyone runs from it but ultimately know it will catch up with them in the end. The smoke envelops you eventually and all you can see is darkness, all you can feel is sadness and fear and anger and hopelessness. 

Some days the anger just bubbles up. Everything is too much. There are too many things I've missed out on, things that have gone wrong. Too many hospital appointments, treatments, drug side effects. Too much anxiety and worry and pushing myself to try to overcome them. So much fear of doing things that come so easily to many others. There's jealously about why it's always me having to deal with all this.

Some days there is nothing. Just laying staring for hours where anything else would be too much to deal with. 

Some days it's so hard to see what is causing me to feel this way. Panic attacks and PTSD? Steroids and their mile long list of side effects? Diabetes highs and lows, pain, increase in medication and hospital visits? New drugs? Different side effects? Depression? A mix of all the above? 

Some days I am desperate to talk, to get it out, to get answers. They don't come. Some days I don't want to see or talk to anyone. They don't understand, they say stupid thing. I feel isolated, lonely, hopeless and helpless. I wonder if anyone would care if just disappeared. I want to hide under my duvet and not resurface until I can cope again and the world isn't such a scary place. Some days the tiniest little word can bring such a feeling of gratitude that someone cares or understood in some small way that it makes you almost lightheaded and so grateful for your friends who stuck by you when you feel like you are not worth knowing.

Some days everything is too much. There is literally nothing I can think of to do that doesn't make me irrationally so angry I could do serious damage or so pathetically sad that I go about trying to do whatever it is and just cry and feel so miserable I could sink to the floor and never get up.

Some days I hate myself. I look in the mirror and see the weight gain from the steroids and the moon face. I see the bad posture from years of hunching over to breathe. I see the hair that changed texture from my anti rejection tablets, that all fell out and had to grow again. I see the scars. I wonder what I would have looked like if my body hadn't been blighted by illness. I wonder what anyone could possibly see in me that they would like. Why anyone would choose to listen to all my crap or share my worries because if I had the choice I would run from me as fast as I could. 

Some days I feel such heavy guilt. It's like a cloak tied around my shoulders weighing me down. Why am I still here? Why aren't I happier/ better/ more grateful/ more like others are? Why don't I do more? Why are some of my friends and fellow comrades in fighting these hideous illnesses not here and I am? Why wasn't I taken and not them? What would they and my donor think about me and how I live my life? Would they be disappointed? 

Some days I can make no sense of what has happened to me.

Some days it's like I'm drowning in all of the horrible thoughts, and insecurities and no matter how hard I fight to get away I can't. The fighting is exhausting.

Some days I can feel ok. Hopeful even. Some days I can see better times, feel joy, plan ahead and not feel the heaviness. I can have happy times but always worry it won't last and that I could wake up the next day with that terrible feeling again.