Gluten free fail!


I haven't forgotten you. Far from it ive been wanting to blog all week. I've got loads of ideas and photos and posts ready to go but none of them have felt right, or honest. 

I've still been having a miserable time of things mentally. It's like a war is raging in my head and I'm trying to take shelter from it. I spoke to my doctor this week and he thinks it's the steroids side effects unfortunately. One minute I'm ok, hopeful, calm. The next I'm hating myself so much I can't bear to look in a mirror and all I can do is cry. The next I can't see any way forward, I can't stop sobbing and feel unloved. I've been horrible to my poor parents and despite being exhausted and sore, I've found the only thing that gives me a bit of relief is getting out of the house and doing something. It's a vicious circle and there's no let up. So it's been a pretty horrible time. 
Steroids also effect my diabetes and my sugars are running too high, which again doesn't help at all. I'm seeing my diabetes specialists next Monday so at least that will be sorted out. Another side effect is weight gain and moon face (round puffy face) so I've been feeling really unattractive, not myself and unfit. ��

I haven't wanted to blog misery, and similarly, I haven't wanted to pretend everything is ok. 
So here's a bit of both I guess. Telling you things aren't great, but I've also had some nice times with lovely people. 

On Monday, I finally booked a Groupon deal that I bought ages ago and realised was about to expire. So my friend Pippa and I had to get booked sharpish before it ran out. The deal was for a sharing platter and cocktails at the Vista rooftop bar in the Trafalgar hotel. 


Counting sheep

PIt's been a bit of a rough week. Mentally and emotionally it has been an expletively awful week if I'm being honest with you. It's that time of year which I find quite difficult, the weeks leading up to my transplant are always fairly tough; remembering life as it was, how bad things became, the things I've achieved and more prominintly, the things I haven't. I also think a lot about my donor and their family which is a whole mixture of emotions. I've still not been sleeping well either and that is really taking a toll on how I feel and cope.

For whatever reason, it's been a real struggle this week. I think I hate mentally struggling more than physical suffering because it is just so hard (and often impossible) to pin point why you feel like that, and it drags you down to the most horrible places imaginable. You also lose all reason and motivation to do things that could help. I've felt like I'm being beaten down by invisible people in my mind that just want to keep me down. It's like a war being raged around me and I just want to crawl out of my body and wait until I'm strong enough to return.

Despite it being pretty bloody soul sapping; there have been positives. You cannot imagine how hard they have been to find but they are there and in the times I've been able to, ive tried to focus on them. 
One major triumph is that the steroid increase has definitely helped the fatigue. Things still aren't perfect and I think I will always tire quicker than most but it's an improvement. Sadly the pain has been quite bad which has taken the shine off slightly but that's just one of those things. I think that's what's hardest, with the fatigue improving i still have to fight off the heap of other things that come from taking the steroids, it never seems to end! I always seem to be trying to get to the bottom of something and that can be very trying mentally. 

One thing that made me smile was being able to get out this week. I met a friend I haven't seen for a while for lunch on Thursday and what made it even nicer was to have the surprise of finding this in Covent Garden.....


200,000! Thank you!

Wow!!! What can I say, thank you to every single one of you who have read, checked in, left a comment, been influenced by anything I've written and been part of my journey. When I saw 200,224 hits I was shocked, amazed, proud, humbled and very happy! I honestly can't believe how a simple idea for starting a blog has grown such a big audience. It has meant so much to have people out there cheering you on, commiserating the sad times and celebrating the good. For me, this blog has been an outlet when I've needed it most. Times when I've needed to break out of the confines of my own head, express the loneliness, feel the catharsis and share the accomplishments, I've been able to do it here. I means so much, I'm not exaggerating when I say that I'm not sure I could have got through the bad times without my blog.  It's like a form of therapy, genuinely.