Happy New Year everyone and welcome to the first post of 2009! I hope you have all had a fantatsic Christmas with those you love and that 2009 will be a very happy one for us all.
Our Christmas was quiet but good. My sister S, was still too ill on Christmas eve and we begrudgingly acknowledged that she wouldnt be able to come over for the big day. Instead my nan and her friend came to us instead (she was originally going to my aunts) so we had 2 guests on Christmas day.
My favourite part of Christmas day is when we first get up. I see my tree all twinkly and then go into my mum and dads room to open presents, its quiet and just us three, and I love it. I had a huge sack of presents (im a lucky girl) all wrapped up in pink paper and housed in a sparkly disney princess bag! Yes I am just a big kid! I had some lovely gifts and my mum and dad seemed to like their presents too.
The rest of the day was quiet but exhausting for me. I was only slightly more active than usual, hardly doing anything physical, but by the afternoon I was shattered, breathless and tired. It is a huge scary wake up call when i feel like this, because it forces me to realise what i already know but push to the back of my mind whenever possible, I am in serious need of those new lungs and my body is struggling. It of course stirred up some awful thoughts, and fears about what will happen next year if that call doesn't come. I had been expecting some feelings like this but it was still horrible to contemplate and I wanted to hide my feelings from everyone else. Even though we had a nice day we could all feel the unspoken "thing" hanging over us. We had all hoped that we would be off answering a special call instead of eating xmas dinner.
Boxing day was another quiet but exhausting day. My other sister, nephew and partner came over for lunch but by the evening of this second day i felt in a pretty bad way. I had tired even faster than the day before and ended up coming upstairs and sitting in bed for the rest of the evening. My chest and throat felt all tickly from the extra effort, I ached all over and I was very tired.
After a few restful days I picked up again and my sister recovered enough from her cold to be able to visit on New Years eve which was lovely. They left by about 9.00pm which meant I didnt get too tired. As a family we have never really celebrated new year, and this year we especially didnt feel like celebrating. For me although I am very pleased to be here and still kicking, 2009 is a very daunting prospect. As I filled in my calendar I saw all the things I'd enjoyed doing, simply memories now and as 12 months stretch in front of me I wonder when if ever that call will come and what the year will hold.
Last year I hoped that my transplant would come this year but it hasnt. One of the worst aspects of transplant is the utter helplessness I feel, as someone who is very pro active and takes comfort from knowing I'm doing all i can with an issue, the prospect of having no bearing on such an important situation is heart breaking. I want to ensure I get that call, but there is nothing I can do to change it either way. 2009 will have highs and lows, the same as any other year and I think the only way forward is to take each day as it comes. There is nothing more anyone can do. 2008, despite me being very restricted, offered some amazing opportunities and great high lights. I ve written quite a lot today so maybe next time I will elaborate on those highlights. For now, enjoy each day as much as possible!
Much love to you all xxxxxxxxxxx
PS. sorry if im not updating so much at the moment but I have a lot of work on. Something has to give time wise and unfortunately its my blog at the minute, just to give you a heads up in case you were worried! xxx