2.06.2008

I dreamed a dream...

Ok just to warn you all, this may turn into a rather long, deep post,so don't say I didn't warn you!

Last night I had a dream. I always find it odd that in the vast majority of my dreams I don't wear oxygen and have no trouble moving around etc, this dream was no exception.

I appear to have been in a house that was unfamiliar and i remember a girl about my age who i was friends with (again no one i recognised) she and i were talking about me wanting to be an actress. The next part of the dream seemed to be that she had arranged some kind of audition with a casting agent but thats where it got confusing! He didn't use the conventional method of audition but instead used other actors in character, who would come in and ask questions during a short improvisation as a sort of test of skills. Anyway, I hate improvisation in real life, but in this dream I was throw in to it and surprised myself by coming out with clever,quick answers. I remember them being quite impressed with me and I was completely basking in the enjoyment of acting without nerves,or constraints and doing well at it.

The only flaw was when I woke up. I found myself in bed, wearing oxygen, waiting for a transplant to replace my battered up lungs just as I had gone to bed the previous night. The soaring happy feeling of my sleep was instantly gone. It was replaced with disappointment,sadness and annoyance. I'm not saying this to get anyones sympathy, but like i've said before this blog has to truthful or else there is no point writing it.
Thankfully I only felt down for about half an hour, but it started me thinking. Its about two years since i really began to feel the decline in my health, and over a year since i started using oxygen. I feel quite restricted most of the time with what I can manage to do and having to plan journeys,oxygen supplies etc but after this amount of time I have become somehow accustomed to it. The wonderful feeling of freedom and being able to do drama related stuff, something thats been on the back burner for a while now was amazing and liberating. Then it hit me, this is how life could be after transplant.
I do believe that everything in life is for a reason, and although somedays it is VERY hard to see any good points in my situation, they are there. I honestly believe that all that I've been through has made me stronger, the same for my family. If you had shown me some of the hard things I would have to cope with and go through I would never have believed could do it, but I did. Its all part of the bigger picure and ongoing journey.
Life post transplant is going to be all the sweeter because of the restrictions placed upon me now and the hard road it takes to get there. xxxx

4 comments:

  1. Really good post honey, could feel that was from your heart. Waiting is horrible and frustrating and at times will make you cry. But you are tough, and have lots to aspire and aim towards...keep going one day at a time and you'll be standing on that stage one day :D xxx

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  2. you know you have a great style of writing too, maybe have that as something to do? write short stories? then when all your transplant done and dusted and you auditioning for stuff the director will ask you what else you do, and you will be able to say i write!

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  3. Dreams are great aren't they!? you really can do anything in them but unfortunatly we do have to wake up to a harsh reality. You will be on that stage one day and you will be all the stronger because of the tough journey you have been through to get there. Keep dreaming your dreams and keep smiling. xx

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  4. I just know you are going to be on that stage one day sweetie, and I'm going to be sitting their watching you and cheering from the rooftops! From what I've heard from other people post-transplant, you forget so quickly what it was like to feel so restricted, so take a mental photo of it now and then when you are singing your heart out in Phantom you can remember it :o) Just make sure you book me the front row seat.... :o)
    Sending huge cyber hugs xxxxx

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