Ok just to warn you all, this may turn into a rather long, deep post,so don't say I didn't warn you!
Last night I had a dream. I always find it odd that in the vast majority of my dreams I don't wear oxygen and have no trouble moving around etc, this dream was no exception.
I appear to have been in a house that was unfamiliar and i remember a girl about my age who i was friends with (again no one i recognised) she and i were talking about me wanting to be an actress. The next part of the dream seemed to be that she had arranged some kind of audition with a casting agent but thats where it got confusing! He didn't use the conventional method of audition but instead used other actors in character, who would come in and ask questions during a short improvisation as a sort of test of skills. Anyway, I hate improvisation in real life, but in this dream I was throw in to it and surprised myself by coming out with clever,quick answers. I remember them being quite impressed with me and I was completely basking in the enjoyment of acting without nerves,or constraints and doing well at it.
The only flaw was when I woke up. I found myself in bed, wearing oxygen, waiting for a transplant to replace my battered up lungs just as I had gone to bed the previous night. The soaring happy feeling of my sleep was instantly gone. It was replaced with disappointment,sadness and annoyance. I'm not saying this to get anyones sympathy, but like i've said before this blog has to truthful or else there is no point writing it.
Thankfully I only felt down for about half an hour, but it started me thinking. Its about two years since i really began to feel the decline in my health, and over a year since i started using oxygen. I feel quite restricted most of the time with what I can manage to do and having to plan journeys,oxygen supplies etc but after this amount of time I have become somehow accustomed to it. The wonderful feeling of freedom and being able to do drama related stuff, something thats been on the back burner for a while now was amazing and liberating. Then it hit me, this is how life could be after transplant.
I do believe that everything in life is for a reason, and although somedays it is VERY hard to see any good points in my situation, they are there. I honestly believe that all that I've been through has made me stronger, the same for my family. If you had shown me some of the hard things I would have to cope with and go through I would never have believed could do it, but I did. Its all part of the bigger picure and ongoing journey.
Life post transplant is going to be all the sweeter because of the restrictions placed upon me now and the hard road it takes to get there. xxxx