My brain is less frazzled now so thats good. Whats not so good is that I been feeling a bit low the last couple of days. Its not all the time, but at some point during the day ive been feeling down.
I find writing on this blog helps me to deal with things, so thought blogging may help me get it out of my system. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm a lucky girl. I have some great people around me, lots of things to keep me busy at home, I've keep quite well this last year and for these things and more I am very thankful.
I was reading some course stuff a few days ago but couldn't really concentrate. I felt frustrated but didn't know why. I abandoned reading and tried to make some sense of my feelings. I felt like I wanted to go out somewhere but that didn't make much sense as I'd been out over the weekend like I do every week,it was more than that but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then it suddenly occured to me, like a bubble popping in my head, I wanted to go out by myself.
This may seem a bit strange but when i thought about it I was shocked to find its been over a year since I have been out, going somewhere completely by myself. I'm not really an alone sort of person, but the memory that filled my head was a drama course I went to in London a few years ago. I had to comute to London once a week and used to really enjoy the freedom of doing exactly what I wanted with no imput from anyone else. I used to arrive early and check out the shops on Liverpool st station, buy some lunch and a magazine for the journey homedecide which train to catch etc.
I miss that feeling of independence.
Since being on oxygen I haven't felt confident enough to be out on my own. I worry I'll struggle or my oxygen will fail (as it has before). I'm always accompanied by my mum, dad, friend, sister,etc.
I would also love to go away for a break. Going somewhere for a weekend is so much hassle that its not really feasible but I think it would do me the world of good right now.
Its the ability to be independent, to go out when I want, where I want, without worrying about transport or how far or number of steps to cover. To go and buy presents for mothers day, hopping on the bus to the shops rather than being pushed in my wheelchair trying to manouver tight spaces, or describing in detail to someone what I want to buy and relying on them to take time out of their own busy lives for jobs I should be doing. Its wanting to break free of the chains I feel are holding me at the moment.
It all comes back to that saying I suppose, "You don't know what you've got till its gone"
Ps Any good vibes you could send my way for friday and next wednesday, would be most appreciated. I'm at Brompton and Harefield clinics. Thank you x