9.17.2010

Darkess and light

I am still here. After the last blog post I was very suprised that the internet police didn't turn up on my doorstep ready to take away any sharp objects! They didn't but what I did have was lots of lovely support from my blog readers and friends. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I must admit I was at a very low point last time I blogged and was in serious need of an outpouring of all the sadness, frustration and hurt that had been bubbling below the surface for some time. I named the post "cathartic" and it certainly was, when I pressed the send button I immediately felt relief, followed several hours later by embarrassment at being so honest about how I was feeling. I had so many lovely messages from people who had been in the same position and felt the same way, people who were pleased that I had put into words how they (and I ) were feeling, the support was phenomenal.
I have meant to write a post many times over the last 5 weeks and you would have got a completely different blog, with a completely different mood every single day. Lots seems to have happened and I am still very up and down but I'm happy to report that there has been some lightness amongst the darkness of late. I don't for one minute think that I will be happier everyday but I can also see that I won't be sad everyday either, I'm trying to accept each day and each mood as it comes.
Part of the reason I think I feel a little more content is that I have made some decisions, under gone some changes and it has been good for me to feel free-er as a result. My best friend has now left on her travels and although we shed lots of tears when she left I am better now that the dread of her going is past. I have had lots of visits from her lovely family too which is also nice as I'm so confortable with them and it's nice to see different faces. I've also had lots of messages and updates from the traveller which is awesome. I have also had a change of scene in a sense (well 2 actually). I had outgrown the old furniture in my bedroom and was fed up with my room in general. I spend so much time there now that it needs to have enough space and to be comfortable. After a long search I bought new furniture which gives me lots more space and seems to make the room bigger! I have also had a move round in the room and bought some new bits and bobs, it looks really good now. Much more cosy and I am very happy to have been able to make a change in my life which I seldom get chance to do the last 3 years.
I was having a lot of problems with uni too. To cut a long story short I made an appeal on my last course result as I was near the boundary and certain things hadn't been taken to account. The appeal is a 3 stage process and I was disheartened after stage 2, no one wanted to help me. My mum was worried I was getting too stressed with it and wanted me to bow out gracefully, but stubborn as I am I persisted and have finally got the board to review the decision. This doesn't for one minute mean that I will get the change in grade I want but at least they are reviewing it which makes me feel as though I've been listened too for a change. Also proves that persistance pays off ;) I have also signed up for my next course which has a scary workload but is kind of exciting too (not for long probably !).
I was lucky enough to get out this week too, what kind of trip would make me very happy??? a theatre trip of course! I have had ticketes to see the Les Mis tour at the barbican for months but haven't allowed myself to hope that I would actually get there. But get there I did and had a wonderful time. I had an adventure getting to my seat due to limited wheelchair which involved going all over the place backstage, the staff were great though, attentive and helpful. Show was amazing as always and my favourite actor John Owen Jones (seen him so many times in the west end before I got too ill) played the lead. I haven't been to a show in over 2 years so it was undescribable to get there and I enjoyed it sooo much. Even popped to the stage door to see JOJ who was ever so lovely (having a chat and signing my CD) and provided the perfect end to the perfect night. He is also going back to Phantom soon, so will be off to see that again, as if i needed an excuse! It really is amazing how much a trip out like that can make a huge difference to my ability to keep fighting. It's such a treat now days to get out and do something I want for a change that it makes all the more difference. I feel like Scarlett in Gone with the Wind (fantastic novel/film), she has to go home to Tara every so often to restore her fighting spirit and deal with anything thats thrown at her, I need to go to my Tara more often.
I have had some low points this month too. I will skim them quickly as I'm focusing on the positive in this post but you cant have the good without the bad can you? I found out at clinic a few weeks ago that my iron stores are quite low and needed to be addressed. I was given an iron supplement, I've had others before and they have made me very ill and this one (although supposedly kinder to tummy's) was no exception. I was very sick/ upset stomach and poorly for 2 days and for a few weeks after my stomach has been very sensitive. Its shocking how hard it hit me, I was so weak and hurting from all the retching :( After consulting my hospital they want me to go in as a day case and have intravenous iron, as you can imagine I'm not looking forward to it and am worried most that I will be ill again. I hate canulas etc too but am much much better with having them than I used to be. Fingers crossed it works and makes me feel better not worse. Will let you know next time.
Anyway, thank you again for all the support and love you've shown me, you are a lovely lot. xxx

2 comments:

  1. Good on you for persevering with uni, if anyone knows about perseverance it's you. Hope all goes well and you you get over this iron shortage. Enjoy Reading your blog. Rick

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  2. Ahh you poor hunny, yeh I'm on the iron too and its not the nicest thing but you'll feel the benefits! I'm so glad you persevered and got your results re assessed, thats great :-)Its good to have a focus and keep at it. Phantom of the Opera is great, my mum is an avid fan! When you're much better you could go and see it on Broadway-tiz amazing!! :-) xxx

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