I will be updating you in more detail soon but I just wanted to write a short blog in the hopes it may be cathartic. My tumour was removed as were 22 nearby lymph nodes. 11 came back showing cancer. I will almost certainly be needing more chemo, I had a CT scan last week and will be getting the results this week. I am terrified.

Scanxiety is the term coined for the fear you feel waiting to hear results of your scan which will tell you whether the bastard that is cancer has returned, gone or spread elsewhere. I've been in very similar situations all my life, being checked in various ways and waiting for results. However I think this is the worst fear I've had. 

My treatment options are limited due to all my other health problems. It is genuinely a miracle that I am still here. Istruggle every day and get bloody sick of it. 

But I love life. I want to continue with that life and I battle every day to do so. Right now I'm terrified they will have found cells elsewhere. I can't think of any future plan, idea or date without that nasty little voice saying "you might be dead by then". To think of hearing those results makes my stomach churn, nausea take over, experience panic symptoms and makes my breathing erratic. I've been angry, sad, defeated, determined and constantly on the verge of tears. Not knowing if I'll leave that appointment extatic or heartbroken. 

I want to live, but life seems to keep getting in the way. 

It has been an incredibly hard time and I have a hell of a lot of new war wounds to show for it. I don't want more treatment but I will do anything that needs doing to try and give myself the best chance. Is it easy? No, none of it, not one bit. Am I scared? Utterly. Have I always felt supported? No I think this has been one of the loneliest times health wise which I really didn't expect. Yet as much as every fibre of me cannot bear to go to that appointment, every little bit of me is tired of the waiting and just want to know if I've dodged the bullet for just a bit longer. 

I will let you know xxx