Monday, December 31, 2018

2018 has been a difficult year to say the least. This time last year I was going into the new year with a newly found cancer diagnosis. It was a new hospital, a new condition complicated by my many others, new medical staff and a whole realm of things that were foreign and scary. The world became a terrifying place and once again I felt as though death had somehow caught me up and was following just out of reach behind me. I had no faith in my new team and I had so many doubts about being here for Christmas 2018. It speaks volumes that neither mum nor I can remember anything about last Christmas or new year.

In 2018 I've realised that that medical team deserved my faith. They have been utterly incredible. So have Harefield. Together they have adjusted treatment, got me ready for surgery, listened to my thoughts, fears and goals. They have all worked together and made me feel very safe and included in my own care. 

2018 made me realise once again, im tougher than I thought. I've endured 6 cycles of chemotherapy (18weekly sessions). I've had major surgery to remove half of my stomach including the tumour. I had to fight to prove surgery would be in my best interest, I recovered better than anyone including myself could possibly have imagined. I have had a clear scan and right now the cancer is gone. 

I've cried, and been scared, elated, hurt, broken and everything in between. I've had the most hideous symptoms and felt incredibly ill. I have met many incredible people. I've gained and lost friends. I've missed out on lots of things I had booked or arranged to do but became too unwell.

I don't know what the future will hold and it still terrifys me. I have scans again soon to check my body again. If something shows up another battle lies ahead. Am I even capable of fighting any more? 
The world is still a scary place.

However, 2018 proved that even in the darkest of times happiness can be found. I've had a holiday to Dorset, then Center Parcs, then Copenhagen (the trip I couldn't make last year). I've visited friends, seen the new Fantastic Beasts film, eaten takeaways, met an old friend who is extremely special to me. I've hugged my family, laughed with them. I've been surprised by people's love and support. I became a godmother and met the two youngest members of our family. I've gone to afternoon tea. I've had a spa stay. I've celebrated Birthdays and Christmas. We've been out for lunch. I've been silly, ive had fun, I've sung. 

I had a concert dedicated to me and money raised for the Marsden on my behalf. I've delivered my Easter and Christmas goodie bags. I've gone to the theatre and seen amazing work. I've received so much love I was able to cover my wall in well wishes! 

Despite all the bad times and everyday struggle, there are still plenty of good memories. If you are facing uncertainty, illness, cancer or something else. Remember, good is always there among the bad. Search for it. There will be someone to help you, myself included if I can. You will get there.

I don't know what will come next year. I can't predict it. I'm still scared but will I still fight? You're damn certain I will. A huge thank you to you all who have read my blog, supported me on social media, sent a card, left a comment and generally been there. I appreciate every single one of you. Enjoy your New Years Eve and may it be a year of good things to come. 

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  1. You are one amazing lady!!!👍👍 wishing you a happy and very healthy 2019. Love & best wishes Elaine xxx

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