I think that sums life up a bit right now. I have things that make me feel hopeful but they feel so delicate and breakable they can drift off or disappear so quickly. It's not something strong to batten down on and get a better footing. I'm scared. Scared of getting my scans done, scared of the results.scared to have to battle cancer again, and scared to carry on living this weird half life I've got going on. There's no direction right now that isn't scary, and confusing and most of all overwhelming. I'm not feeling well day to day. Nothing specific but just crappy and certain symptoms flare up and down. 

My mental health is bad. My usual psych appointment for the first time left me feeling desperately alone and now I feel even more lost.

Having this constant threat over me is so hard. I don't want to plan anything, I feel I can't live anymore. 

I feel ill which stops me doing a lot of the things I have planned. When I talk with normal people my own age I just feel alike I'm a completely different species. I am definitely depressed and I can't see a way of carrying on. At the same time I am wasting my life sitting here feeling blank. Not living how I want to. I also if I'm being wholly honest I don't feel supported, I'm not sure who to reach out to. I ask for help but I am not getting it.

I keep trying to extend out to people or find things that might help to buoy me up even just a little. Ive contacted a couple of my favourite musicals to offer cupcakes to their casts. Trying to combine my two passions of cake decorating and theatre but no ones really biting. I think I may appear to be crazy cake lady (or just am crazy cake lady. 

I'm decluttering properly. It's hugely frustrating and very slow going as a psychically I can't do much for long periods right now and mentally it gets a bit much but I can see a difference and I can see an improvement. The room where I do most of my cake work has been changed round a bit and I'm able to have a bigger desk which has made a massive difference to how much I enjoy the process of decorating and the results too. I'm hoping to finish in there and then move onto my bedroom. It's a very small room so decluttering is a big deal. I don't want to repaint or change furniture but I'd love to make a gallery wall or shelves or something. The problem is that when you're excited about something like that and the. Rest of your world is so narrow I am getting a bit obsessive, then inevitably I overthink it and swing from one idea to another. Then feel like all of it will look stupid, childish, crowded etc and then I fall hard into depression. I really need some anchors to plant firmly and work towards but with feeling bad they often feel impossible to reach and with health uncertainties, as though I might as well not even try.  Vicious circle much? 

Ironically, I can see all this happening and recognize it, but can't actually change how I feel. I can't ignore the doubts/worries because they are all very real to me. I can't put purpose or hope where I don't authentically feel it.

Which makes me feel even more stuck.

Anyway, I'm not sure where to go or what to say. Know that I'm here wanting to chat but not quite knowing how.

Thank you so much for your messages and comments, I read them all and they mean the world x

Xxxxxx

****Ooh I do have to say a huge thank you to a lovely lady on Twitter who helped me with my blog this week. There has been a lot of controversy around the company I bought my blog layout from and security was very risky leaving the blog open to nasties. I have no idea about such things and explained my current situation and how I'd love to pay her just to make me safe. She did this in one evening, on her own time and wouldn't take a fee. Genuinely a huge weight off my mind and an example of how genuine, kind people are still alive  and well.)****

I'll end on a few cake bits because of everything they've brought me most satisfaction lately and it's leaving you on a positive note.