The title of this post for the music fans among you is from "its my life" by Bon Jovi. I've become addicted to bon jovi's hits at the moment! It sums up how I'm feeling quite well, although for the record my other 2 favourites "always" and "someday ill be saturday night".
First of all weekly weigh in, it was a rubbish day to go into town to get weighed as it was chock a block with annoyingly slow children, as its half term week. The weigh in was.....disappointing if I'm honest , despite only being a few calories out on last weeks total I had only gained 0.1kg (peanuts really). Im not totally down in the dumps tho, its still moving in the right direction and I have learnt by now that the whole weigh gain issue is in no way an exact science. But its still annoying when you work so hard all week and all you want is to see the weight going up. Hopefully next week will be more rewarding.
On the good news front I handed in the first essay of my new course. I know I said that the new course would be quite easy (ha ha) but I may or may not have struggled a bit with the first essay....possibly had a bit of a strop saying that I wished I hadn't taken on said course....and generally been pretty annoyed with the whole blessed business. However, I got my mark back yesterday and got a B! My tutor told me that out of the 20 or so he had already marked mine was by far the best :) So I was pretty pleased with myself.
I have been feeling a bit rubbish lung wise this week. Im not ill or anything but my chest has been feeling quite tight on and off which is to do with my hormones at the moment. I've also been feeling quite tired and lethargic.
It is a stark reminder of my state of health right now. I am at a stage where my body is very fragile and it is a scary thought. The fact is, its expected that I will have dips like this and also that I can expect to feel more tired, achey, rundown etc as time goes on. Its nearly 16 months from when I was placed on the transplant list and that is also a scary thought. I've waited 16 long months and after all this time I have had ONE call. It leads me to start thinking seriously about the fact that times are desperate and I do need that call to come soon.
This time of year is especially hard when I see everyone making plans for Christams, Halloween and Firework night. I look on, but cant join in because of the risks of catching bugs added to the fact that I'm too tired to get involved much of the time and my health changes on a daily basis. It's also natural for thoughts to turn to the fact that if the call doesn't come I might not be here to celebrate next year.
This has turned into a pretty depressing post, but I want to assure you all that I am ok. Its just nice to be able to get these thoughts out without having to actually say them and to get them out of my head. I only wish that there was something I could do to help myself and the hundreds of others waiting out there...