I didn't manage to blog before Christmas (or new year for that matter) but I thought I would grab a chance to write something now. I hope you all had a lovely Christmas holiday and New Years Eve.
As you know from my previous blog post I had been finding the lead up to Christmas difficult to say the least. There were plenty of happy moments too but I think that Christmas is a hard time for those on the transplant list, its inevitable really. We had a quiet family Christmas and it was nice to be able to participate on the actual day. I watched my nephews open their presents, spent time at home with my family and got lots of lovely presents, in short a very lucky girl.
I hate to write this as i feel my blog has seemed a bit depressive even self indulgent recently but I am having a hard time at the moment and I think its important to recognise that. I did find Christmas very emotionally and physically difficult this year and while there were good times there were some not so good bits too. Just managing the stairs a couple of times in one day, sitting paying attention and talking more than usual left me exhausted. My back was hurting a lot from the extra effort involved in breathing and it was very hard work for me. I also found it hard to think that realistically this could be my last Christmas. I was told at the beginning of the transplant journey that I was expected to survive 2 years, I'm already 6 months over that mark, it doesn't take a lot to see I'm on borrowed time. All the time the air is thick with things unsaid, fear and desperatation for the only gift that is wanted and needed but that none of us have the power to get.
New Year is similar. A time for reflecting on the past 12 months and looking forward to the future. I just can't face that at the moment. I have 2 different futures, one that I'm living right now and one that I can only dream of. Earlier I read my blog from last New Years Eve it makes me sad to see how I hoped for things to be different this year and yet they're not.
I hope the call will come this year but realistically no one knows, I've seen in 3 new years hoping it will be better next year, that this year will be THE one but it hasnt been. It makes it hard to keep the faith. You never know whats round the corner but maybe there isn't anything round there.
2009 has been a year same as any with some highs and some lows. The journey has been a hard one, I can feel that my health has declined just a little bit more, I've lost friends and fellow Cf commrades to their personal fights, I've yet more treatment to have to fit in to my jam packed routine. However I have also had some fanatstic experiences and done things I never thought I could, Going on live television to talk about organ donation, lots of media work I would have been too embarrassed to contemplate not long ago, I've been to a few places and had fun with friends and family, I've improved my chances of survival by learning NG feeding and gaining weight, and I have have made some new friends and been kept in touch with others.
I suppose this shows that no matter how bad things become there is still an opportunity for good. Would i have missed last year? Not for one minute.
Thanking all my blog followers for the support you have shown me this year, you can't imagine how much it means. Wishing you all a happy and healthy 2010, may all your dreams come true xxx